Dead Mother, a Letter and Gifts form Canada (Joke)

I received this funny email today. I don't know who wrote this - but this really captures urban Sri Lankan middle class life. If you do not have real experience of true Sri Lankan middleclass lifestyle, then you may not find this funny. In other words if you do not get the funny side of the mail, then you have no idea about true Sri Lankan life.

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A Sri Lankan family in Nugegoda was puzzled when the coffin of their dead Mother arrived from Canada. It was sent by one of the daughters settled in Vancouver.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read as follows:


Dear Nangi,

I am sending our mother's body to you

since it was her last wish that:

She should be buried only in the cemetery of the All Saints Church in Borella - Colombo. And also she told me to tell all of you that you should use A.F. Raymond for embalm works not Barney Raymond or Jayaratne.

For Alms giving she said not to invite the entire town and the distant relatives. She said to order (only for our 4 families) 65 packets of Mutton Biriyani from Hotel Buhari at Maradana and open only 12 bottles of special Arrack for the guys and only one case of Three Coins for the ladies.

One more thing she was very particular about the Hearse, which her coffin should carry from our home to Borella, should be 2002 model Buick Automatic. She doesn't like manual gear old vehicles. DON'T FORGET THESE UNDERLINED REQUESTS ARE FROM HER LAST WISH.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave are consumed and hopefully this time the God will look at us and blessed with a boy. Ajith is working like a Donkey for 20 hours a day for 3 companies to save some money for the dowries of girls..................let's go back to Ammi's funeral business.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ammi's body, 12 cans of Kraft cheese, 10 packets of M&M chocolates, 1 box of Kit Kat, 8 packets of Wrigley's Chewing Gum, 6 tins of Corned beef, 24 packets of Maggie instant noodles and 12 packets each Jelly & Custard powder. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ammi's feet you will find new Pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mangalika. Also, there are 2 pairs of Shoes for Rosy's and Bernard's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ammi is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mangalika and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Levi's Jeans that Ammi is wearing are for the boys (lanka & Nilanka). The Swiss watch that Lakmali wanted is on Ammi's left hand. The silver colour bangle on Ammi's right hand is for Lakshmi who became a big girl five years back.

Josephine Aunty, Please, Please remove and take the necklace, earrings and the ring that you are waiting for the past 20 years saying that Ammi had taken twenty five thousand rupees against them for my Akki's wedding. Aunty, I will beg you now to stop telling every one about this money matter. These gold worth more than that and I can get fifty thousand from Hetti uncle if I go to Jayalalitha's.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ammi is wearing must be divided among my teenage nephews.

And also there are 4 Bras Ammi is wearing. Give two to Seelawathi who is our servant lady and the remaining two you can give one to next door Charlet aunty and one to Doby Nenda.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know, since our Thaththi (Father) is also not keeping well nowadays; so I can send with him the same way. This way is much easy, cheaper and you don't need to worry about customs, too.

Bye,
Akka

29 November, 2006

Final Solution to Mother-in-Law Problam

I was reading this news today and I could not stop laughing myself.

Here is the story
Sarath Hettiarachchi - A Sri Lankan - Melbourne man - stabbed his parents-in-law to death after his wife's father lectured him on being a good husband.

Now I don't know exactly what was in that lecture and I don't want to attend such a lecture myself ever. I prefer a lectures that make me fall a sleep on a chair.

I'm trying to understand how this happened.
In-Laws, usually they visit - they eat and then they do what they know how to do best. Criticize! Specially the Mother-in-Law. The father-in-law other hand, throws a barrage of question on you and then gives you the lecturer at the end. Most possibly while you having evening tea.
Now the sound of this lecture, go in to the men's ear - enter in to the spinal code - make him stand up - grab a knife and kill himself. But in this case, this guy kills the parents-in-laws instead.

Now I don't want any of you go home today and stab your mother-in-law no matter how long you are thinking about it. Just try to get drunk when they come over this Christmas - drink as much as you can - like how we were doing for centuries successfully - so you won't have to attend the lecture.

23 November, 2006

A9

One of my friends email this image today. Added here just for funny side of it.

06 November, 2006

Watch Borat, or Borat will be Executed

Sacha Baron Cohen is without a doubt most politically incorrect comedian. His new movie 'Borat' is out (in US). I have seen some of 'Borat' performance in his Da Ali G Show. The character 'Borat' pushes my boundaries too far; it is quite painful to watch it sometimes. But I always like the way he stretch the boundaries and his bravery.

In his Ali G show, he perform three characters 'Borat' (Kazakhstani journalist) , 'Ali G' (gang member of the "West Staines Massiv") and 'Bruno' (Gay reporter from an Austrian TV station).
Those three characters far deferent from each other - for quite sometimes, I thought it was three people performing. Here is Borat wiki - check out his Biography - quite controversial.

I believe comedians are magicians. They use thing around you and me - and create something totally deferent out of it. It pushes our limits and makes us wonder. Sacha is very good at it.

Moliere is a 16th century comedian I like a lot. Once he collapsed on stage and died few hours later, priests refused to visit him because he was a comedian. And refused to give him a proper Christian burial. From Moliere's Tartuffe to Sacha's Borat, comedy came a long way. It is not just only comedy; it represents freedom.

Politically Incorrect comedy is nothing new to Sri Lanka. All our traditional performance like 'Lenchina', 'Puppet Theatre' or 'Thovil' filled with all sort of politically incorrect comedy. Good Spicy Stuff! But once Christian culture becomes the mainstream culture in Sri Lanka and top of that Indian comedy came to in to Sri Lankan cinema we loose the taste of controversial comedy. We need a Borat in Sri Lanka!

Here is introduction to Borat. If the movie isn't successful, Borat will be executed.

Borat Interview

04 November, 2006

Real Story Behind SLFP Prostitution Speech

JVP leader Somawansa Amarasingha accused SLFP is engaged in the 'world oldest profession' this week. SLFP leaders are furious about this.

Amunugama said 'Police is after SLFP members everywhere and apparently police is harassing them and asking for commission'.

Nimal Siripala de Silva's also facing big personal problems, his wife threatening to divorce him this time. He said he will send his wife and daughter to Japan, like last time. He denied any involvement in prostitution.

Anura said 'Ridicules! Look at me!'

Mangala said - 'I do not sleep with men for money'

Jeevan said - 'Where? Where? Where are the bitches?'

Prostitutes are also not seems very happy about SLFP involvement in this. They said 'This is not family business and they do not want Bandaranayaka Family take over their profession.' They are planning to have a protest tomorrow, mid night, front of Clany's Pub.

Meanwhile Koswatta police raided a brothel alleged to have operated by Somawansa Family. CID investigation uncovered Somawansa's major international involvement in prostitution. Apparently Somawansa have been operating international Night Clubs, Cat houses and Party houses all over the America and Europe (where he spend most of his life) for some time.

CID DIG Asoka Wijetilleke said today, Somawansa not the person he appears to be. Police uncovered Somawansa and The Owner of the Playboy Empire Hugh Hefner is the same person. Koswatta Police posted following two photos of him - Left side Somawansa as JVP leader - Right side Somawansa as Hugh Hefner - Owner of the playboy. Also police post couple of more photos of him with bunny girls.
 

Somawansa is also facing huge difficulties inside the party after his comment. Vimal Werawansa and others wanted to join SLFP now. Vimal said if he knew there are prostitutes in SLFP he could have join SLFP long time back.

Ranil said, if it takes prostitution to get the power, his party willing to do that.

Rajapaksha got to know the allegation today and finally he confessed SLFP indeed involved in the prostitution for quite some time.
He said very emotionally - 'It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp'.
Also he added since the cover is out - he going to use his Oscar winning song from his last movie - Hustle & Flow- as his 'Mahinda Chinthana Song' [click here to listen to the song].

Here I added Mahinda's president photo and His Pimp photo.
 

27 September, 2006

Udurawana Jokes

Udurawana jokes are similar to blond jokes. But Udurawana is not belonging to dump blond stereotype. We are laughing at his darling intelligent and his silliness. In a way we all act like Udurawana one time or another. So it is good to have laugh.
Here are some jokes I received today. Any new or old funny stories always welcome. Send it here...

Essay

The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except Udurawana
He has written. "Due To Rain, No Match !!!"  

Buddha Jayanthi

In the university, lecturer asked to write a note on "Buddha Jayanthi" So Udurawana writes, "Buddha was born in India & was a great Philosopher, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

Press

On a political rally Udurawana was arrested.
Why???
A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..

The Wash Basin

Udurawana goes to a hotel in Colombo and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him,
"Sir, what are you doing?"
Udurawana replies, " Read this board here, it says " Wash Basin ".

English Exam

Udurawana finished his English exam and came out.His friends asked him how he did his exam. He replied
"Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!"

In Brief

Udurawana is appearing for his University final examination.He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, followed by his pant, socks and watch.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I am only following the instructions here," he says,
"it says here, Answer the following questions in brief  

Forigner

After returning back from a foreign trip, Udurawana asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Udurawana: In London a lady asked me "Are you a foreigner?"

Letter to his Son

Udurawana was writing something very slowly.

A Friend came and askes:
"Why are you writing so slowly?"

Udurawana replies
"I'm writing to my 6 years old son,... he can't read very fast."
 

Manager asked Udurawana at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Udurawana replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

Relaxing

Udurawana was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.A lady came and asked him,
"Are you relaxing?"
Uduravana answered, "No, I am Udurawana"
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Uduravana answered, "No! No! Me Udurawana!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Uduravana was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sri Lankan soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked,
"Are you Relaxing?"
The other man was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Uduravana slapped him on his face and said,
"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

Birthday

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Udurawana : 13th October
Which year?
Udurawana : EVERY YEAR

Hidden Camera

Mrs.Udurawana caught Udurawana searching high and low all around his living room.

Mrs. Udurawana: "What are you searching for?"
Mr. Udurawana: "Hidden cameras!"
Mrs. Udurawana: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Mr. Udurawana: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying,You are watching CNN. How does he know that?
01 September, 2006

I'm Smoking Ganja Aagin?

News : Sri Lanka's Tamil Tiger rebels, listed as a terrorist organization in many countries, are drafting their own 'anti-terrorism laws'.

News : The Sri Lanka government will export 50,000 metric tons of paddy to India within the next two weeks, bringing in Rs. 600 million in foreign exchange.

News : The fertilizer subsidy has cost the Sri Lankan government Rs. 5.7 billion in the first four months of this year.

News : Sri Lanka government has decided to permit the local rice merchants to import 9,337 metric tonnes (MT) of rice from Pakistan within the next six months. [Janapathi]

News : Former Sri Lankan President Chandrika Bandaranaike Kumaratunga is planning to return to Sri Lanka with the hope of engaging in active politics at the end of August or at the beginning of September.

News : Opposition Leader Ranil Wickremesinghe, who is on a visit to New Delhi, is to complain to India against President Mahinda Rajapaksa's moves to take his parliamentarians, sources said.

Some one please tell me I'm high and those are not real news. Please..

25 July, 2006